atheilen

So the first substantive post to my blog in however long is going to be a rant and a vent. I'm sorry for that. I've been keeping up with all of your journals over the years, even though I haven't been posting at all. Most of the reason I haven't been posting is that I haven't been writing, at least in any organized, systematic way, and I think I feel ashamed of that. When I do have time to write I like to use it for my novel, not blogging. Plus I've changed so much over the past couple of years that I don't feel like the same person who had this blog originally, and I'm not sure what I want my online identity to reflect.

Still. I've missed all of you.

On to the rant!

Things haven't been going very well for me mentally or emotionally, and as a consequence I've been finding it more difficult to put up with certain behaviours from my friends. They've always been aware that these particular behaviours bothered me or hurt my feelings, but usually I've had the patience to either be calm about it or let it slide. Lately, though, I have Had It with certain people, and have told them that either they have to change their behaviour or risk losing my friendship. I've already lost one close friend this summer (though it turns out in hindsight we are both better off) and now it looks like I'm going to lose another one. This person has lost many friends since I've known her because of the same issues that I have, although most of them just break it off with her slowly, not telling her why they never hang out anymore. (I'll often get confused phone calls from her saying that "So-and-so never talks to me anymore and I don't know why." It's because she never keeps plans, or cancels them at the last minute, or shows up an hour and a half late, or calls you four times saying she's going to be late and then doesn't show up at all, or refuses to say one way or the other the night before whether she's coming or not. However, she has no problem calling you to ask if you can rearrange your entire day to meet up with her across town in an hour, and then getting upset at your lack of 'flexibility' when you can't. After enough of this, most people quite sensibly decide they don't want to bother inviting her anywhere.)

Still, her friendship was valuable to me, so I tried to explain calmly why I was upset. I told her that I thought it was both unkind and unreasonable for her to expect me to constantly rearrange my schedule for her and to keep postponing plans, especially since I'm going home next week for the rest of the summer and have a lot to do before then. For this, I got called selfish and was told I should 'be more understanding'. (She also has no memory of the 134867 times she's shown up late or otherwise screwed up my day in the past little while. Hmm.) Then I told her that the way she treated me made me feel like she didn't really care about me or want to spend time with me.

Her response? "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I have a question for you, Livejournal. Is there any way that this does not translate to 'fuck off?' A lot of people seem to think it's an appropriate thing to say in arguments. I think it's a passive-aggressive, dishonest way to say "I don't give a fuck about how you feel and take no responsibility for it." As such, it drives me into a blind rage and makes me decide the conversation isn't worth continuing. But it seems to me that some people mean to say something like "I don't understand why you feel that way, but I'm sorry I upset you anyway." Or in my friend's case, "I do care about you and want to spend time with you, and I don't understand why you feel that I don't. It was never my intention to make you think that."

I'm sure in some cases, it is an invitation to fuck off. My question is, why not just say that? Or, if you're genuinely confused as to why someone is upset, why do people not just ask? When I am upset, I'm happy to oblige. At great length. With details.

Sigh. Anyway, if you ever want to end a friendship with me, now you know the quickest way to do it.

How are you, Livejournal?